Tips for Travelling in the South
Avoid a Good Southern Ass Whuppin… Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau
to ALL visiting Northerners, Northeasterners, Northwesterners, Westerners
and Southwestern Urbanites
1) Don’t order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It’s just
a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they
know. If you confuse them, they’ll kick your ass.
2) Don’t laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez,
Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.
3) Don’t order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it’s
called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat’s ass whether it’s Pepsi, RC, Dr.
Pepper, 7-Up or whatever… it’s still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise
can lead to an ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e. g.
Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a
lot nicer. Don’t refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we’ll kick your
ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e. g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam
Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we
do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e. g. John Edwards, Al Gore,
Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don’t care if you think we are dumb. We are
not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the
Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her ass.
6) Don’t laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to
Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up
the middle, you’d be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If
you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we’ll kick your
ass.
7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up.
Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we’ll kick your
ass.
8) Don’t order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know
that you’re a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy. And
don’t put sugar on your grits, or we’ll kick your ass.
9) Don’t fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get
your ass kicked.
10) Don’t talk about how much better things are at home because we know
better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago,
and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don’t like it here,
Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.
11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we
don’t want to sound like you. We don’t care if you don’t understand what
we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and
that’s all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we’ll kick
your ass.
12) Don’t complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes
or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty,
we’ll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.
13) Don’t ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma’am. We hold
doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things
are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet
little gray-haired grandmothers or they’ll kick some manners into your ass
just like they did ours.
14) So you think we’re quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the
countryside? That’s because we have enough sense to not live in filthy,
smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or Boston. Make
fun of our fresh air, and we’ll kick your ass.
15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to
cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked).
You’re lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and
you will go home in a pine box… minus your ass.
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